My Journey

My awareness of the intense connection between mind and body from a young age couldn’t be avoided — I spent my entire high schooling life as a competitive swimmer, training up to five hours a day, every day. Swimming is one of those sports focused on split second improvements. Every good swimmer would be putting the same hours into training, so the differences between competitors was more to do with mindset; which dictated the intensity of effort and quickness of recovery.

I was one of those kids that also thought that to get better, I had to just keep pushing, regardless of how little energy I had left. I also had, and still have, a bit (a lot) of a perfectionist complex, and this revealed itself not only in my dedication towards performance and getting certain times in races, but it started appearing in other aspects of my life. Wanting to appear as though I was the best at everything I did, that I had everything together, and that I looked perfect (based on the standards that were presenting themselves through social media). I was seeking a standard that could guide me towards becoming ‘perfect’, and I naively believed in this ‘perfect body’ delusion, and I trusted that the media was capable of showing me the way. The ‘ideal’ woman was childlike in form; clearly visible bones with little muscle and absolutely no fat. Far removed from any concept of the female body as strong, capable and powerful. At around 16 I was indoctrinated with this faulty standard and I did everything that I could to become ‘perfect’. I started pushing myself harder in training and seriously restricting what I ate until it became all I cared about. I was consumed by anxiety; the obsessive thoughts let to me self-destructing and I pushed away everything and everyone in my life that came in the way of these thoughts. Weight was dropping off me quicker than I was even realising. My declining mental health was causing a rapid decline in my physical health. As I became physically weaker, I became less in control of my thoughts, and I was trapped in a sort of feedback loop — unhealthy thoughts causing an unhealthy body which fed those unhealthy thoughts. I was on the downward trajectory; until my parents dragged me to an eating disorder clinic who hit me with the fear factor and who diagnosed me with anorexia nervosa.

There was not an easy fix for getting unstuck from this self-destructive cycle, it took me over five years of ups and downs and relapses. But in doing so, I learnt so much about myself and the interaction between the mind and body.

At the beginning of my recovery process I was forced to completely stop exercise, which made me definitely freak out more than a little bit. Yes, I had developed an unhealthy obsessive compulsive addiction to exercise but before my mind had become corrupted by this disorder, training and movement had provided so much happiness and connection to myself and others throughout my entire life. After showing promising signs of improvement, I was allowed to start integrating back light forms of movement into my life, and it was through this that I found yoga. I became so grateful that I was in a position where I was able to move again. Forcing me to slow down and fully appreciate every small movement unlocked a deep appreciation for my body that I hadn’t experienced before. Yoga also allowed me to channel my appetite for the mental and physical discipline I had learnt through competitive swimming in a healthy way. Advanced poses and movements that required stability and control proved to be very difficult if I allowed my mind to wander, so I learnt that I simply had to tame my thoughts to achieve correct posture and alignment. Since the demand for this internal focus was so big, there was no chance for my thoughts to wander, and I had to stop fixating on the external. I discovered that the internal benefits from movement were far more profound and rewarding than the external results.

My passion for movement keeps me growing. From developing a connection to my body and through seeing how it can both influence and be influenced by the mind, I now am interested in learning about different states that can be achieved through movement. I hope to teach others about the things that I’ve learnt and continue to learn through trial and error and through opening to and engaging with new experiences that take me away from my comfort zone. I hope that through this blog, I will be able to make my learnings accessible to you and hopefully inspire you to explore all types of movement with me!

Excited to grow on this journey with you,

Josephine Lockyer