EXPANDING AWARENESS: the paradox of human nature
The dream to live somewhere else, shared with the longing for home.
The love for change and the love for routine.
The desire for connection, yet the need to disconnect.
How can two completely opposing feelings exist simultaneously and somehow make sense?
Lately, I’ve been driving myself crazy riddled with the pressure to pick a side. I’ve spent too long, toyed with the idea that maybe I’m just at the mercy of my own indecision and maybe the truth is that don’t know myself well enough to know where I stand… But after many days, weeks, months of my brain working over time to try and understand what the hell is going on up there, I’ve fallen down the rabbit hole into the world of philosophy (the perfect support system and safety net for any crisis) in order to pave the way for an acceptance of this form of polarity within the human experience.
Thanks to some secondary wisdom from people who seem to know shit, I think I’ve finally come to realise that not only are paradoxes real and not marks of insanity; albeit counterintuitive, they open the door to expressing a possible truth. Paradox introduces a world of thought that is immune to analysis, and rather must be experienced in order to understand.
What’s even more real, is that the desperation to solve something that may be unsolvable, only prolongs the feeling of confusion. Confirmed by the idea that;
“When I accept myself just as I am, then I change.” — Carl Rogers, The Curious Paradox.
So, in an attempt to wrap my head around the concept of paradox, I wanted to have a dig into the origins of the philosophy of its conception. I have become invested in learning about this because I feel as though I am constantly being presented with opportunities and experiences where an acceptance of no direct answer is increasingly relevant. My aim is to find out how I can not only be at peace with a conceptual understanding of the word ‘paradox’, but to learn to appreciate how an awareness of its relevance in my own life can help put my mind at ease in times of confusion.
So, in saying that; I welcome you to a brief dive into the historical origins of humans losing/gaining their mind over impossible questions.
For millennia, the human mind has found problems of paradox both perplexing and irresistible. We can’t help but feel like there is always some sort of way to decode problems and create definite solutions, yet are humbled by our inability to always do so. Facing this notion that two opposites can mean the same thing is profoundly human, and is our freedom of consciousness that allows us to think in such ways.
Having an awareness of the contradictions within the human experience, understanding everyday perceptual experiences to be inherently illusory [constructs of the mind] is a daunting yet enchanting thought. Early folk riddles mocked the human mind to reveal its limits, giving room to the space between black and white — the infinite ways of looking at superficially normal questions.
Introducing the oldest recorded paradox: Anaximander’s ‘chicken or the egg’ paradox (c. 546 BC);
“Does everything have an origin?” To which he answers no: there are things now that exist but have not always existed; anything that has a beginning owes its existence to another thing that existed before it, and therefore there is something that lacks an origin. In the context, Anaximander existed in a time where most of his predecessors [the Ionian Greek philosophers], including his own teacher Thales (c. 600 BC), believed that the world is ultimately one thing, composed of a single substance. Anaximander rejected this definition of singularity and lead to his fascination with opposites in nature and their ability to somehow exist together at the same time — wet and dry, hot and cold, light and dark. He posed that, ‘if opposites are to exist, the original substance, the substance from which all things are created and into which all things perish, must be entirely neutral, indefinite, lacking any particular qualities of its own’. From this, Anaximander went on to ideate a metaphysical non-thing called “apeiron” — the unbounded, akin to the ‘=’ sign, ‘emptiness’. Grappling with the ambiguity that existed in this space, came the early articulations of paradox from Greek philosophers of the 5th-Century-BCE. During this time, Zeno of Elea [student of Aristotle] was devising one of the first sets of philosophical problems (Zeno’s Paradoxes) that brought enquiry into the illusory and contradicting qualities of our perceivable reality, specifically those of; change, motion, and plurality.
Without going into too much depth into the specifics of these complex and long-winded theories, it is clear to see that humans have been attempting to understand the indescribable for millennia. I personally find this fascinating and humbling to know that hundreds of generations before me have been attempting to break down such unbreak-down-able concepts, whilst arriving at the same conclusions - written through different lenses of varying complexities, from flamboyant riddles to more intellectual philosophies.
So, with the desire to speak with more relevance, I thought I’d give some examples of paradox that I have recently felt and experienced first hand in order to demonstrate how and why I’ve come to accept myself in these spaces, and some that I’m yet to fully grasp.
In order to find, we must let go.
Sometimes life has different ways of giving us what we truly desire, and the path and even the result might look very different to how we once imagined it. If we hold so tightly onto an idea or fixate on the road in which we think we must travel to get there, we will be denying the universe of its ability to give us opportunities that speak to our every dream. When we cling to an idea of what we think something or getting somewhere will make us feel, we deny ourselves the ability to feel that very think, and we miss all of the in-between emotions that come with the process.
The more something frightens you, the more you should face it.
This one is hard — I often find myself stuck here, because of the two competing phrases; “Go towards challenge” and “Trust your gut”. This one is complex because it’s not either/or — effectively using what scares us to our advantage does still benefit from the instinct of our ‘gut’ and parts of our ego that are making sure that we are still being safe. To understand this easily, I feel as though the ‘gut’ is the ‘grain of salt’ that we are best taking when it comes to deciding if a ‘fearful’ situation is going to be beneficial for us. Frightening things are more-often-than-not worth leaning into, for example; sparking a conversation with a stranger, booking a solo trip, trying something out for the first time. But there are also situations where our instincts keep us safe for the right reasons — helping us decide who we should trust, whether something is in-line with our values, or if it is physically/emotionally safe to do something.
When you accept yourself just as you are, then you change.
When we believe that we need to change in order to be happier, better, or more fulfilled, we give away our power. We are never at no point in time broken or incomplete versions of ourselves that we are yet to become — the believe that we need to change to become whole is a looping prophecy that will keep us in an energetic choke-hold that prevents all of the things we seek until we accept ourselves as we are. “We cannot change, we cannot move away from what we are, until we thoroughly accept what we are. Then change seems to come about almost unnoticed.” — Carl Rogers.
You must put your happiness and health first in order to be of help to anyone else.
This one is messy for me. Sometimes loving yourself first doesn’t immediately pay off in a felt-sense for those at the other end. This is acting by example, to demonstrate to others around you that it’s ok for them too, to do the same. This concept is one of the bigger picture, and pays off in ways that are less immediate, tangible — that’s why it can be hard, because we’re so used to the immediacy of so much else around us. In the bigger picture however, you win - and everyone wins. However it’s necessary to note the importance of clear communication amidst this concept — there can be misunderstanding or hurt caused when the people around you don’t understand that your actions are for your own sake, and are not acts of of opposition or consciously aimed at anyone else. This is something I’ve struggled to learn — to practice loving assertiveness and clear communication about my needs rather than being perceived by others as ‘running away’ for no reason. This means, making it known to others that you are doing something because you truly need it in order to be present and well. KEY: You don’t need to give an explanation about why you have a need, you just must be clear that you have a need. Aka: Boundaries.
In order to help guide this type of communication, here are 6 steps when being assertive;
Step 1: Listen to others; show you respect their rights to their own thoughts and feelings by validating.
Step 2: Think about the situation. Ask yourself:
What are the rights of all of the people in this situation?
Are my rights really threatened here?
Is this a situation where it's genuinely important to me to assert myself?
Step 3: Work out how you see the situation, and whether you are mainly going to assert yourself, or whether you think there is also a realistic chance of getting change in the situation. Plan your initial assertive response.
Step 4: Assert yourself. Make your initial assertive response. Expect most people to be defensive at first, but try to stick to being assertive, while listening to them.
Step 5: Think assertively. If the other person gets angry, think: ‘Stay calm, I don't have to get
upset. If he wants to, that's his problem.’ If you get angry, think: ‘Relax; I'm in control.’ Strengthen your control with a calming response. If the discussion wanders off the topic, think: ‘Stick to the issue; don’t get sidetracked,’ and say: ‘I would like to deal with this topic first.’
Step 6: Review the situation afterwards. If you stuck to being assertive, give yourself a pat on the back. If you slipped into being submissive or aggressive, see what you can learn from the mistake, and then forget it.
Valuing yourself highly enough to respect your own needs allows you to fill your own cup and be able to be more present and giving to others when you can. Prioritising yourself is not selfish, and you should not feel guilty.
Opposing this, which is equally true: The less you care about others, the less you care about yourself.
This reflects the idea that people treat others the way they treat themselves. If you have a high tendency to judge others, its most likely indicates that you are being too highly critical and judgmental of yourself. This can be approached either way — by softening your opinions about other people, or by softening your approach to self — however the latter is mostly where it begins.
Powerful yet weak.
I don’t like the use of the word weak so I’ll quickly address this as a placeholder for the ability to be vulnerable and expressive of one’s insecurities or fears. It’s far more ‘powerful’ in a grounded and solid way, when you are authentic and truthful. Situations will often induce emotions and feelings that aren’t all light and fun, and acknowledging which parts of yourself need more care or attention, is a way to be truly strong, because you are sharing your human-ness and acting in a way that allows for connection and lifts up other people in the process, rather than presenting a glorified egoic version of yourself to the world that isn’t truly authentic and makes the people around you feel small or less than.
The more you hate a trait in someone else, the more likely you are avoiding it in yourself.
Life feels cruel for making us confront this one! The ultimate projection. It can be very hard hitting sometimes to reflect on this, especially when the hatred feels so intense. It’s hard not being able to hide from yourself but I guess it’s nice to know that you are constantly given the opportunity to confront and tackle these feelings within yourself, that are so clearly represented and embodied in your external world — by people and traits that you feel aversion towards. Confronting projection is unique because it’s a form of introspection that feels almost tangible and external. Does that make it easier or harder?
The more you try to keep someone close, the further away you’ll push them.
Sadly, this is devastatingly accurate for me in my life as having been on the receiving end of jealousy and attachment, or the fear of letting go. I think the following quote best summarises this and no more needs to be said.
“If you love a flower, don’t pick it up. Because if you pick it up it dies and it ceases to be what you love. So if you love a flower, let it be. Love is not about possession. Love is about appreciation.”
So, to reconsider my confusion around paradoxes I can acknowledge that the competing thoughts and emotions I have had trying to make sense out of things deserve more freedom to exist without forming any conclusions. There is so much beauty and softness that exists in the in-between space, and life becomes so much easier when you stop demanding the answers to be so definite and conclusive. Understanding sometimes means accepting that you can’t understand everything. Paradoxes teach us to rest — the more resistance applied to life, the harder it is. The universe isn’t as cruel as we are to ourselves in it; in realising this, it seems so simple — the flow exists within us calmly and unprompted; all we have to do it let it take us.
References
Couprie, D.L. (no date) Internet encyclopedia of philosophy. Available at: https://iep.utm.edu/anaximander/#H2 (Accessed: 8 September 2023).
Horwich, Paul, 'The Nature of Paradox', Truth -- Meaning -- Reality (Oxford, 2010; online edn, Oxford Academic, 1 Feb. 2010), https://doi.org/10.1093/acprof:oso/9780199268900.003.0011, accessed 23 Aug. 2023.
Sorensen, R.A. (2003) A brief history of paradoxes: Philosophy and the labyrinths of the mind. Oxford UK: Oxford University Press.
